I wanted to write about my life right now. About my situation with my girlfriend and the problems that I’ve caused. I wanted to write about how the only thing I seem to be capable of doing lately is hurting people. I wanted to write about how I ruined myself. About how I pretty much became the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t become.
One of the worst things about being a guy is the fact that it’s no mystery when we’re aroused. Obviously, it is possible to conceal this issue when it arrises sometimes, but other times there’s no hope.
The only thing worse than being unable to hide it when you’re actually aroused, is when it’s a surprise visit for no reason. On the last day of school a couple years ago, I went to hug one of my friends. Now, I had a crush on this friend for a while, but I realized that we would just be friends, which I was totally cool with. But I went to hug her and my companion popped in for a visit and was just like HEY MAN HOW’S IT GOIN, MIND IF I CHILL HERE FOR A BIT? THANKS BRO! And of course she noticed. You can imagine how incredibly embarrassed I was (and still am sometimes).
I’m not saying that guys have it harder than girls. Well… I guess in a sense I am.
I’m not saying that girls have it easier than guys, because in all honesty they don’t. All I’m saying is that it’s rather inconvenient when your mother walks in your room and asks you to do something but you can’t get up quite yet and you get in trouble. I wonder if science will ever remedy this ever rising problem.
Earlier today I started writing a post about the friend zone. It was going pretty well until something hit me. It was like a massive wave that made me unbelievable lethargic. I was completely unmotivated to finish, or do anything for that matter.
This happens to me quite a lot, I find. The problem isn’t exactly the lack of motivation but rather what’s causing it. And my problem, of course, is I never know what causes it. I’m left sulking in a pile of myself trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Am I a lazy person? Did I just stop caring? Is it some sort of medical problem? Or is it just me being a teenager?
In addition to not caring about anything and wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week, I start to ask the question, “What’s the point?” What’s the point of my blog? What’s the point in trying in school and work? What’s the point of my relationship? What’s the point of living? I’m able to answer my questions almost instantly, except the last (and the first but that’s not really an important question).
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not suicidal anymore. I just no longer see what significance my life holds in the future. Maybe I should go back to my therapist.
I think at this point it’s become pretty obvious that I have low self esteem. Don’t look good enough, not outspoken, not manly enough; that sort of thing. I also have no talents. I can’t sing, dance, play a sport, play an instrument, or write (if you think differently, message me and I’ll send you the phone number to the nearest mental hospital).
I have come to terms with most of these truths. I don’t mind much that I can’t sing, dance, play sports or instruments. My girlfriend does a good job of reminding me that she thinks I’m attractive. The one that I have not come to terms with though, is my inability to write the way that I want to.
I never intended to reblog anything on this blog, but this just pissed me off and is way too relevant.
I often see girls on tumblr complaining and being sad because they think they will never look like the “attractive” girls they see on tumblr. They complain about not being skinny or being flat or being ugly when in fact, most of them could probably get as many notes on a picture as one of these “tumblr beauties”.
Then there are other girls who spend so much time and effort trying to make people feel better by saying things like “All girls are beautiful!”.
This got me thinking and I realized that I have never in my life seen a post on tumblr saying that all guys are handsome. In all the vast regions of the internet that I have explored, I have never found anything of this nature.
I’ve talked to many writers. Authors, poets, journalists. I always ask them one question: What advice can you give me on how to become a better writer? And the answer is always the same. Write every day.
I’ve tried multiple times to have a journal. I went out and bought a special notebook and nice pens and pencils and put them at the side of my bed. I told myself that every night I would write down just whatever I did that day. That lasted a grand total of about two nights every time I tried it.
Same thing with my exercising before bed.
I’ve disappointed myself countless times. I want to be a great writer some day. I know that the only way to get there is to keep writing, but I just have no discipline. I was talking with my girlfriend earlier about some spoken word poetry that I watched today. I made her watch the video and after we both agreed that it was a great poem, I said that one day I will write good stories and poetry and what have you. “You write good things now”, was her response, and it got me thinking.
Now obviously there’s a bias in her opinion of my writing. It made me wonder whether what I write actually is good, or if it’s just ok. I don’t think I’m a bad writer, but I know I could be better and that’s what I’m going to try to do; become better.
My goal through this blog is to try and write something every day in order to enhance my writing skills.
I have no idea why I’m talking like someone is going to read this.
I think I’m going to enjoy this.